Thelonius Monk famously sang, “I should care”
And while that song has been a failsafe a hundred times before, it does nothing for me right now,
I don’t have any apathy for the parts of my life that give me nothing,
I’m not able to reciprocate the feelings of those who don’t have a definition for hurtful,
I have a strange appreciation for the inconsiderate,
And right now as the life of an idea is simply ended with, “it doesn’t matter anymore”
It in turn means it didn’t matter from the start.
I wanted it to go on,
I want continuance and I want it now, I want every given moment to be something,
Because right now I am writhing in nothingness, a stale and complacent thing that swallows but never digests,
Again, I reach out, the trembling fingers of ego emaciated by my own comparisons,
“Good god I hate you, shut the fuck up” is the fantasy that plays out in my head as I consider everyone involved in this string of people,
I hate myself not only because of you, or I, But because of him, and my own set of hers too,
I am completely revolted by my own care for any of that,
And start thinking of how I stomached this very nausea at the beginning because I cared so very much.
I wish I would have just let myself drop into myself then, given into my jealous pain, because no sooner than I let that go you took hold of every open wrung,
There was nothing for me to hold onto.
I think one more time about all the things I could say that might give you the same shakes that cling to me whenever I’m given time alone,
But then I think again, I should care,
And I do, that’s why I think it to start,
And that’s why I am so angry that I even had the thought to not to, to force empathy upon you,
That’s why I’m so sad that I’m so angry,
And that’s why I’ll only ask you about what I already said.
Raf Simons/Sterling Ruby
undercover _ spring’15
I feel like a part of the Stark family.